It’s peaceful now, this head space I find myself in. The chaos, overwhelm and brain fog have lifted. Rather than coping with what’s going on, I’m now managing my life like a boss. My body feels good, back to how it felt pre-chemo. The side effects have all worn off and I’m a hairy being once again. Daily life is busy but it’s not a struggle, emotionally or physically. Were it not for my full calendar of healing appointments, I could very easily forget there was cancer there at all. I can’t feel anything tangible. I don’t feel drained or sick. The opposite in fact. I feel more alive and more energetic now than I have in two years. And thank the universe I do because replicating the alternative side of my Istanbul protocol in Ireland is quite the challenge. It takes me to all corners of the country and I’m on the road most days. Healing is a full time job. But it doesn’t feel cumbersome like it did before. In all honesty, before I went to Istanbul, I was chasing a cure. Every practitioner I went to, every healer, every survivor I spoke to… I hoped they had the answer I was looking for. And it was urgent. I had massive tumours growing in front of my eyes. I could see and feel them and they scared me. I wanted a cure, I wanted this dis-ease in my body to be gone forever. And then after three months in Istanbul it was gone. And I really thought it would stay gone. But it’s come back with a gentle tap on the shoulder to challenge me once again and to not let me forget this journey of discovery I’ve embarked on.
I’m not chasing a cure anymore, I’m painting a picture of what’s going on in my body, the causes, the symptoms and how to heal them. In this past week, I’ve seen the components of my blood through live blood analysis, I’ve seen my iris up close with iridology, started working with a herbalist and I’ve had a 75g IV infusion of Vitamin C. I’ve also recorded a radio interview (to be broadcast at 1pm on Dublin South FM on Tuesday the 18th), worked two days and did a one day business course. This is a typical week for me now. Throw 30 daily supplements, hyperbaric oxygen, therapy and bio-energy in there too and we’re looking at what it’s like to manage the alternative side of cancer treatment. Not to mention keeping a healthy diet with home cooked organic food, running a house and parenting a three year old. Life is busy and can get chaotic at times. Yet in the chaos, my mind is at ease and peace prevails. Being home has a lot to do with it. But what keeps it all together is the inner work I do. I keep on top of my mental health, I meditate daily, connect to the earth and go to therapy regularly. On top of that, I am doing two courses, one online and one in class where I learn tricks and techniques to help make life easier. It doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. You might remember last year when I wrote about doing release therapy? I had a couple of appointments with a fabulous practitioner who helped me to release subconscious patterns which weren’t serving me. I believed things about myself that weren’t true. My inner critic was loud and constant. I put myself down, berated myself and punished myself. I lived with fear, anger, anxiety and pain. And it all manifested into large tumours in my body. If you knew me you probably wouldn’t know that so much of that was going on inside. But if we’re all honest, isn’t a lot of it going on inside all of us? It’s impossible to get through life without being scathed by our experiences be it in childhood or later on. We’ve all had traumas shape the person we have become. We have mental scars from experiences we’d rather forget. No one wants to deal with their shit. Because it’s hard. Well I can tell you now that it doesn’t have to be hard. I know because I’ve done it and continue to do it regularly. And it brings me to a place of peace and a place where I can manage the madness that my life has become with ease. Life can be easy. Even with stage 4 cancer. The courses I’m doing give me a qualification to work with people who want to let go of their shit. That’s not what the course is called but that’s the premise of it. Maybe I’ll call myself the ‘Let your shit go coach’ when I’m done? The techniques I’m learning are very simple yet very powerful. They have been truly life changing for me. Even though it pains Paul to admit it, I’m a much nicer person to be around since I’ve released the emotions that were holding me in a dark place. I don’t shout at him anymore or argue with him at all in fact. Not in the way I used to anyway. There’s no slamming doors and storming off upstairs. There’s no anger, resentment or ill will. It’s all gone. And it’s absolutely liberating. I will be qualified in January and I can’t wait to help people with what I have learned.
Back soon with some new scan results, conventional options and onward planning. Limbo continues, blissfully…
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Mairead McWellness 